California King

I lost my lover in our bed. Don’t laugh. It’s a really big bed. California King. I mean, this thing is quite a bit bigger than an ordinary king-sized bed.

Anyhow, he was in this giant bed with me and I lost him. He’s not a big man. Don’t be snarky. I meant he’s short. His thingy is just fine, more than sufficient I assure you.

But there were all these large puffy pillows and that enormous comforter and I was really ready. Really ready. So I’m thinking, I’m gonna crawl all the way over to the other side of the bed and just jump on him.

I couldn’t actually see all way to the other side but he wasn’t on my side and he was in the bed—somewhere—so by the process of elimination, I figured out where he was. So, I crawled.

It took a long time. I got tired along the way. I took a nap. It was very comfortable. I had this great dream. In the dream I was—

Juan? Oh, yeah. When I woke up I continued crawling towards where I assumed he was waiting for me.

I felt a little like Christopher Columbus, like I was out to sea and if I went too far I’d fall over the edge. But I got to the edge and stopped. I didn’t fall. It looked like a long way down and I got a bit scared and moved back. But I didn’t see Juan. Maybe he fell over the edge.

The point is, I couldn’t find him. He’s missing. That’s why I called you guys. I’m very worried.

Smell? I don’t smell anything.

I supposed you can pull back the covers and remove some pillows. Don’t mess with the sheets! Juan wouldn’t like you to mess with the sheets. Stop! Just stop!

Oh my! So that’s where he is. How’d he get there? Is he okay? Juan, darling, speak to me!

He’s what? He can’t be! He just can’t be!

Hey, stop! That hurts. The cuffs are tight. They’re cutting into my wrists. Surely you don’t suspect me. Juan and I were in love. We were going to be married!

Suffocated? By one of those big pillows? It must have been an accident. A terrible tragedy. Can we take off the cuffs?


It was his fault. He was so selfish. He bought this big bed, so big, and he wanted it all for himself. He wouldn’t share. He told me to stay off it.

That’s just not fair. It’s got so much room. What did I do? Did I repel him? Why? Why?!

Wait. There’s another body? It’s her! I suspected all along. I bet he didn’t want to share it with her either. Now they’re both dead. Serves them right.

In my cell, um, do you think we could squeeze this big mattress in?