I don’t eat plants. That would be too cruel. I only eat animals. Plants are vibrant living growing things. They refresh and replenish the air we breath. Eating them is, for me, unthinkable.

I know what you’re thinking. I must be crazy. Animals taste boring and they lack important nutrients that you can only get from plants. But that’s just wrong. Plus I take vitamin supplements. All you need are a few good meat cookbooks to learn to prepare delicious meals, even if they’re only made from animals. If you were a carnetarian, you’d understand.

You know, there was a time, long ago when I was young, that there was different meat, a greater variety and it naturally tasted better even without careful seasoning. Before the great extinction. There were large land animals in those days—cows, deer, lambs. Heck, there were even horses—you’ve seen pictures in books—and giant furry creatures called bears.

So, yeah, I only eat from a limited menu of comparatively small creatures. Mostly rodents, although back in the day they were fast and smart creatures, and we considered them too dirty and disgusting to eat. Now, they’re lumpy, dumb and sluggish. Easy to catch. And their brains are so empty that they seem much less alive than a bush or a flower.

Yeah, they are ugly creatures. But I’d rather eat something ugly than eat something beautiful like a plant. We need more beautiful things in the world. And we needs fewer ugly stupid things, like rodents—and humans who put the planet into the sad shape it’s in today .