First Person, Singular

Madam, I’m Adam. No, really. The unique first man. A little more than 5,700 years old, only a few days younger than the universe. I know that I look much younger. I think the apple-eating keeps me young. Yeah, it made Him a bit mad, but look at my face. Hardly any lines.

And don’t start with the pomegranate thing. Some people say that it was a pomegranate that I ate in the Garden. Let’s make this clear: I name things, not you.

Anyhow, ever since Eve left me, I’ve been hanging out in this cozy place. It’s no Eden, but I lost my lease there a long time ago. Here it’s warm and I get lots of fresh fruit. Not a bad substitute.

So, lately I’ve been feeling a bit guilty about causing such a ruckus and making all the people in the world pay for my little mistake way back when. I’ve been trying to put in a good word for you guys with Him. Maybe He’ll reconsider. But for the last few thousand years, The Big Guy has been giving me the silent treatment.

Maybe if I stopped eating the apples? But they’re so good! It’s practically a sin.

Anyway, I always thought it was unfair that You People, my offspring, should suffer for the sins of the father. What did you do? Okay. I know some of you committed your own sins. That’s on you. But for His sake, why should you be accountable for mine?

I’ll try to get back to Him again soon and make Him listen. In the meantime, I’m going enjoying my cozy abode with the soft walls. And this funny shirt. The sleeves are much too long and they’re tied in the back.