I Married A Lawnmower From Outer Space

They said it was inevitable. Rick Santorum—who we did not invite—boycotted the wedding, but you can’t stop love. The Westboro Baptist Church inadvertently provided music for the afterparty, which was nice despite their bad intentions.

We took a honeymoon in the Bahamas at a resort with a giant lawn—a surprise for my beloved. She loves grass. Hates rocks, though.

Anyway, we are old marrieds now but still very much in love and still romantic. The sex is indescribable and intense and more than a bit dangerous. I’m a daredevil. What can I say?

Yes, it was marital bliss and then I discovered that my bride had a secret. She was from another galaxy. She came on a robot spaceship to explore our planet. She was delighted to see all the tall grass that needed cutting and even more delighted to meet me.

I was taken aback. How could she keep this from me? She, too, was taken aback. How could I betray her trust and read her diary?

We settled our differences and have returned to our state of domestic tranquillity, even bliss. I even stopped flirting with the Zamboni next door.

But the rest of the world has become hostile. They had been irked that my spouse was a mechanical device even though our relationship was (and is) consensual.

But this new development is creating a firestorm of anger. My wife is, after all, an undocumented alien. And she might be taking some kid’s summer job.