Knee Jerks

It turns out that jumpy reflexes are a strong indication of rigid ideology. Patients who kick quick and hard when their knee is tapped with a rubber mallet tend to be mentally inflexible, virtually unmovable.

You can call me Dr. Lobo. That’s not my name, but you can call me that anyway. I’m easy. I don’t mind at all. I’m a doctor as my false name suggests, technicality a general practitioner, but due to the recent discovery I’ve begun to specialize. I’ve retired my stethoscope and only use a rubber mallet nowadays.

I’ve been assigned to check on people in high places, notably presidential candidates. The primary season is a tough one for me. Several candidates came for checkups. Two kicked me hard enough to render me unconscious. And one gave me a concussion. In case you are wondering, the excessive reflex occurs on only one leg per candidate. Right-wingers kick with their right leg, left-wingers with their left.

One candidate didn’t kick at all. In fact, she fell asleep in the office. I had to revive her by waving a stack of hundred-dollar bills under her nose.

Now that we’re down to the two nominees, I’m getting really scared. You remember the debates? The nomination went to the guy who shot an immigrant to death onstage. Well, he’s coming here for a check up. I plan to wear body armor. Wish me luck.