Libertarian Paradise

Thank goodness for Elizabeth Warren taking votes from Hillary. She made it possible for me to get in and create our libertarian paradise.

It took most of my nearly eight years, but we’ve got a small government, although still not small enough. For the moment, there’s a 1% excise tax and a 1% income tax. The people who are supposed to be my base are bitching at me, particularly about the latter which they say is robbery. How much more can I cut? I even eliminated my own salary. I’m practicing ophthalmology again just to make ends meet.

We now have a truly volunteer army—they don’t get any pay and are completely unregulated. They provide their own weapons. I’ve asked them to patrol our borders as an actual defensive force. For the most part, that’s what they’ve done, avoiding military adventurism.

No Americans are fighting in the Middle East or anywhere else. If anybody wants to pick a fight with America, they’ll have to come here. And if they do, heaven help them.

The government doesn’t regulate anything—the market does that. People don’t buy dangerous things unless they want to. They determine what’s dangerous. That’s not government business.

We still run courts and enforce (voluntary) contracts. There’s no government run law enforcement, but with all those armed guys out there I think crime is way down. People are more polite.

Education is available free to anyone with an Internet connection and a digital device. Virtually anything you want to learn was posted by someone online. Problem solved.

My role, as president, is more limited in our tiny Federal government. I still make speeches, but I pay for transportation, hotels, meals and the microphone. Sometimes I’ll get use of an auditorium donated.

I still meet for lunch or tea with foreign leaders but I usually ask for them to pick up the check.

Except for the extreme libertarian protesters out front, I don’t hear any complaints. Of courses, since I’ve discontinued the White House phone service and Internet connections, I’m not sure how I’d hear from anyone. But I just can’t see wasting taxpayer money.

Some people aren’t doing so well, or so they tell me, but I can’t help it if people are morons. What can I do if people fail to save enough for retirement? Don’t they think ahead? How is that the government’s problem? If you’re hungry, get a relative to help. Or go to a shelter—run by a charity which uses money given freely, not seized by a bullying government.

The market, the free market, is now in charge. People make their own decisions. They have the opportunity to maximize their own wealth and happiness.

Thanks to the changes I’ve made, there is much joy in the world.

Businesses have found it most profitable to hire desperate workers overseas who will work for low wages, sometimes just for food and a roof over their heads. Shareholders love it!

People can drink Big Gulps or eat those tasteless gluten-free muffins. They can smoke and avoid vaccines, or meditate and utilize all the modern medicine they can afford.

The wealth has gone to those who deserve it—the giant enterprises who hire people at low wages, the businesses that produced everything. It’s the leaders and shareholders—all motivated by the accumulation of wealth and fame and glory—who perform these miracles.

Eventually, when the low wage markets get wealthier, jobs will return to the United States. The poverty will diminish and maybe even the cholera will recede. That is, if somebody can figure out how to make a buck on it.