Paring Down

My life was getting too cluttered with things, people and obligations. I decided it was time for some serious pairing down.

First I got rid of stuff I never use anymore. Old books (when would I ever re-read them?), records (my turntable broke down years ago), 8-tracks (I was shocked that I still had them!), and old wax cylinders—they had to go. I sold them on eBay, except for the wax cylinders which I brought to the Antiques Road Show.

Next was clothes. The spats, wide ties, leisure suits—all gone. Shirts with detachable collars are also history. By popular consensus I ditched all of my shorts. Nobody wants to see my legs.

I stopped seeing my most annoying acquaintances and friends. It felt so good that I got rid of the rest of my friends, along with in-laws, my parents, my wife and four children. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I quit my job and renounced my citizenship. Now I’m walking around in the wilderness wearing only a fig leaf. Never felt better.