The Fan

See the picture? On the front page of the sport section? That’s me with the big sign: “Go GOPers!”

Man, I loved that team. They knew how to win. They’d fight dirty if they needed to. They’d do literally anything to end up on top.

I really admire that kind of determination.

You know, I’m more than just a fan. I’m kind of a super-fan. I’m loud. I start “the wave.” I boo the other side mercilessly. I lead chants.

It’s super-exciting! It makes me feel hyper-alive!

But after last Sunday’s big game, I’m wondering if I should start re-thinking things. We were winning, of course. Bribed the referees, you know, the usual. But then the opposition made a few good plays, really good ones. A few were reversed—we let nothing go. But the other side still scored. Twice.

We were actually in trouble.

And the fans of the other side started cheering. Really loud. They were going crazy. They actually thought they’d win. Which was, of course, impossible. At least I think that it’s impossible. Isn’t it?

Anyhow, we beat up those fans. Stadium officials looked the other way. Accused those other fans of throwing popcorn. Conduct unbecoming. A few hundred of those other fans were ejected.

But their side scored AGAIN. And the fans wouldn’t shut up.

So, the GOPers tossed a few gas canisters into the stands. At the fans of the other side. But, you know, the gas drifted. Some of our guys were taken away for first aid. (The other fans were left to fend for themselves.) How did WE get caught up in all this?

I blamed the other side. We all did. There would be no gas if they hadn’t thrown that popcorn. Even the other side condemned the throwing of popcorn. Although nobody actually saw them throw popcorn.


The important thing was to win. On the field, the GOPers re-doubled their efforts. They beat up a bunch of the opposition and took control of the ball and the field. They scored FOUR TIMES and ran down the clock.

But then the fans—the other fans—stormed the field and stopped the game.

This was getting to be no fun. I wasn’t leading chants anymore. I was just watching. What the hell was going on?

One fan on the field grabbed a megaphone and starting speaking.

“This game is over. We don’t like the rules. We pay the bills and fill the stadiums. We demand more. We are closing this stadium and this league and opening a new one—run by us and using our rules. You can do what you want in your empty stadium. But you’ll have to pay the bills. Good luck with that.”