It’s not like I’m a real threat to national security. Everybody knows I’m not. I think I just embarrassed some powerful people. That’s the real reason I’m behind these bars. They keep delaying the trial because they’re afraid some of their stupid precious secrets might come out in open court.
I hack people’s smart homes, just for fun. No big deal. They really freaked out, though, when I turned on Dick Cheney’s dish washer. It amused me and when I was done his wine glasses had no spots. Where’s the harm in that?
What else have I done? I let Nancy Pelosi’s dog out into her back yard when he needed to go in the middle of the night. It helped the dog and Nancy didn’t need to interrupt her beauty sleep.
I sent an email from Donald Trump’s personal hair weaver setting up an appointment to refresh his hairdo. Put it into everyone’s calendar, too. With reminders. That was a favor. Have you seen the top of Donald’s head lately?
Me and the other prisoners are leaving tonight at midnight. We’ve had enough of this nonsense. I’m in charge of turning off the cell locks and disabling the guards smart guns. Child’s play.